Why were you born?

Have you ever pondered the meaning of your existence and wondered why exactly you were brought into this world? Fear not, for I am here to shed some light on the comical origins of your self. Whether you were a carefully planned addition to your family or a delightful surprise, prepare to embark on a satirical journey through the twelve months of accidents, mishaps, and planned parenthood.

If You Were Born in September: Oh, September babies, rejoice! It appears that your parents had an absolute blast during the Christmas and New Year’s Eve holidays. They were busy creating memories, but you, my friend, were an unexpected outcome. Your purpose? Well, it seems you were meant to ruin their festive fun and become the joyous embodiment of “Oops! We made someone!”

If You Were Born in August: Ah, the lucky August babies. Just like your September counterparts, your parents also reveled in the holiday spirit during the previous year’s Christmas and New Year’s Eve celebrations. However, unlike the accidental September kids, you might have been a planned addition to the family. Perhaps your mom or dad was a soldier or a student, unable to be around during the holidays. So, they thought, “Hey, honey, what do you say we leave ourselves a memorable souvenir, like a baby?” So, dear August child, rejoice, for you were likely a meticulously calculated endeavor.

If You Were Born in October: Oh, dear October babies, your arrival might have been quite the surprise. Picture this: back in January of the previous year, one of your parents, feeling remorseful for their absence, uttered the words, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I couldn’t be here for you. But I promise I’m here now.” In response, the partner, seeking proof of their love, demanded, “Prove it! Prove that you still love me!” And so, amidst passionate kisses, the cosmic forces aligned, and nine months later, voila! You came into existence as an unplanned accident.

If You Were Born in November: Happy Valentine’s Day to your parents in advance. Dear November babies, for your parents were just innocently enjoying themselves on that special day. However, you had the audacity to be conceived! And, to make matters more interesting, it’s quite likely that your parents were not married at the time, making you an unforeseen burden in their lives. Oh, the joys of accidental procreation!

If You Were Born in December: December babies, I can’t help but wonder why your parents didn’t exercise a little more patience. Spring break, a time for a quick getaway, was just around the corner. They could have waited for summer break or chosen a warmer time, but no, you arrived as an unplanned addition. Moreover, one of your parents was probably still a student, making you an inadvertent burden. In short, you are the epitome of “Oops!” and an accidental inconvenience.

If You Were Born in January: Now, January babies, listen closely. There are many reasons for your existence, but the most prominent one is that your parents were celebrating the end of spring break in April. Their other kids were returning to school, finally granting them the freedom they so craved. However, let’s face it, my dear friends, despite the joyful narrative, you are still accidents. Your parents couldn’t possibly have willingly created another child to disrupt their newfound freedom.

If You Were Born in February: Ah, February babies, most likely your mom had just become a graduate in May. Your father, brimming with pride, wanted to send a clear message to other men: “Hey, this is my lady, hands-off!” Though your conception may have been an unintentional consequence of that message, you were, in a twisted way, a planned addition to the family. Congratulations on being the product of a bizarre protective instinct!

If You Were Born in March: March babies, your story is similar to that of February-born individuals. However, there’s a chance that your mom and dad were colleagues or engaged and committed to the “no sex before marriage” mantra. But, since they were already engaged and considering marriage in the following months, they decided to bend the rules and forgot to use protection. And thus, here you are, a delightful accident. On the bright side, it’s highly likely that they wanted to start a family as soon as they settled into their new home after marriage. So, compared to the previous months, you have the most noble reason for being born. Congratulations on your accidental nobility!

If You Were Born in April: April babies, can I have the honor of meeting your parents? They are the epitome of nobility! They made promises to each other and actually kept them. They loved and trusted each other, and you, my fortunate friend, are a completely planned addition to their lives. Oh, the envy I feel!

If You Were Born in May: May babies, you are similar to your April-born counterparts. However, it seems your parents were a tad short on funds to prepare for their wedding, so they had to wait a little longer. But fear not, for you are still a meticulously planned and eagerly awaited addition to the family. Congratulations once again!

If You Were Born in June: Ah, June babies, it appears you might be accidental wonders. Your parents desired one last hurrah before school resumed, a final taste of freedom. But alas, instead of a carefree adventure, they ended up with…you. The unexpected gem that disrupted their plans. Oops indeed!

If You Were Born in July: July babies, let me ask you something: Whose birthday was it? Your father’s? And your mom, in an attempt to give him the perfect birthday gift, ventured into the realm of procreation. But here’s the twist — it wasn’t you, my dear friend. You were the unintentional outcome of their attempts to celebrate your dad’s special day. Oh, the irony of accidental existence!

And there you have it, a hilarious guide to unraveling the mysteries of your birth month. Whether you were an accident, a planned addition, or the result of a series of unexpected circumstances, your unique story adds a touch of humor to the world. Embrace your origins, for they make you who you are — accidents, surprises, and planned miracles. Remember, life is full of unexpected twists, and sometimes the best things come from the most unusual beginnings. I am a January kid.